I have a name for the forgotten, forgettable, off-brand, off-axis games of our youth. I call them: Cousin Games.
The best way to get in the Cousin Game mindset is to imagine being dropped off in a house that smells different from how you think a house is supposed to smell and you go into a room with a guy who’s like a weird version of you, and he’s playing Nintendo — which you understand — but when you look at the screen, it’s like… What is that?… What the hell is that?
A Cousin Game is a game you don’t own, and don’t necessarily want to own. But “Cousin Game” is not a euphemism for “bad game.” There are lots of bad games that are not cousin games.
Here’s a quick list of Cousin Games:
Cousin Games aren’t “normie” games. Madden is not a Cousin Game. It is just a game your cousin plays. This is true for most sports games, but not always true in extreme sports and motorsport.
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater is not a Cousin Game, but Tony Hawk’s Underground 2 is. AirBlade is a Cousin Game.
A game with Spider-Man in it has a 75 percent chance of being a Cousin Game. Eighty percent for Wolverine. Ninety percent for Taz.
In general, licensed tie-in games have a higher chance of being Cousin Games.
First and third-party mascot games are rarely Cousin Games, but there are many exceptions in the Sonic franchise. First-party Nintendo games are never Cousin Games. Except for Geist, which is definitely a Cousin Game.
PC games can be Cousin Games, but are far more likely to be Uncle Games, which we don’t have time to get into.
The Cousin Game is defined by a mystery. How did this game come to be in this wrong-smelling house? Was it a gift from a parent, plucked arbitrarily from a Babbage’s shelf? Or did your cousin believe in BattleTanx 2? Do they still think of it fondly today? Is it as sweet and familiar in their memory as it is strange in yours?
And if you see any of the games mentioned here and said, “that’s not a Cousin Game,” you may have to consider the troubling possibility that you are the cousin. Help is available.
