Unpacked is Afar’s advice column. Once a quarter, Dr. Anu Taranath answers an ethical quandary that a reader recently faced. Taranath is a speaker, facilitator, and educator based in Seattle, Washington, who specializes in racial equity and social change. She’s the author of the book Beyond Guilt Trips: Mindful Travel in an Unequal World (Between the Lines, 2019). If you have a question you’d like examined, please submit it to unpacked@afar.com.
My parents’ 50th anniversary falls right around Christmas this year and they’ve never been to Europe. I’d like to send them on a trip as a present. I want them involved in the planning so that they get what they want—but I also want some of it to be a surprise. On top of that, I have to keep the trip within my own budget without making them feel like they have to limit their dreaming. How do I navigate that process?
I love that you’re keen to gift your parents a trip to Europe to celebrate their golden anniversary! Let’s unpack this so everyone can clarify their intentions and enjoy the journey.
Is this about you, or your parents?
I assume that since you are considering a trip for them, your parents like to travel, and that they enjoy traveling together. What is your parents’ relationship like, and what do they truly enjoy? You may imagine your parents gallivanting through Greece or relaxing in Rome, but is this their dream or yours? We sometimes unconsciously gift others the very thing that we’d like to receive ourselves. Ensure that the trip you book caters to your parents’ interests. Ask, for example, what their ideal trip looks and feels like. What are specific sights, sounds, tastes, and experiences they’d like to enjoy? You and your parents can brainstorm the basics. From there, you’ll have a good idea on what extra experiences you can add on as a surprise.
What would make this celebration truly meaningful?
When we think of commemorating a momentous occasion, we often think of over-the-top extravaganzas—and we may subconsciously channel what we’ve seen in popular media and adopt it as our own dream. The most meaningful experiences need not be lavish. Rather, they bring together people for a purpose and connect us to one another in new ways. Invite your parents to discuss with you what a meaningful celebration means to each of them. How might this trip help them mark their anniversary in noteworthy ways?
Talking openly about your parents’ intentions will also help you plan a trip truly suited to them (as well as to your budget), rather than focusing on what a European experience “must” consist of. What’s the vibe they are going for? There’s a difference between sending them on a generic trip and intentionally investing in an event. You and your parents have an opportunity to personalize this experience. Let go of the shoulds, and be bold and confident in your own vision.
What if there were multiple nested celebrations?
The once-in-a-lifetime golden anniversary trip sounds amazing, but may be heavy with lofty expectations.
To avoid putting so much pressure on this trip, perhaps consider a few “nested” celebrations instead of one grand gesture. Nested events, akin to Russian nesting dolls, are less stand-alone and independent, and more connected experiences that hit different emotional registers.
For example, your parents might want to begin their anniversary celebrations with a special weekend closer to home doing something they’ve always wanted to try. Maybe then you help them organize a simple party with their beloved community. Perhaps they cap off their celebrations with their Europe trip. Each of the three celebrations progressively builds on one another and works in harmony.
I recently took this approach in my own life. When I received a prestigious professional opportunity, my family took me out for a scrumptious dinner. I then made a date with myself to walk around a beautiful lake I love in Seattle, taking steps with gratitude and consideration at what was unfolding in my work life. Later, I reached out to a few colleagues who I know are striving for new professional opportunities and made a plan with them about how I might offer assistance, mentorship, or support toward their goals. Together, these three activities contributed to the whole celebratory experience in a much deeper way than a one-and-done standard dinner ever could have. I was able to celebrate this win with multiple communities, in different geographies, and at various emotional registers. Celebration, in this instance, felt expansive and connective, and not simply limited to one experience.
For me, this is what makes a meaningful life. As Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering, says, “When you think more deeply about what you want to attend and why, you start building the community (and life) you actually want.”
I wish your parents a lovely golden anniversary celebration, and more importantly, the community and life that brings them deep purpose and meaning. Best wishes to all!
